Misunderstood.

It's been awhile since I last wrote and let me say that a lot has happened. Dad got squished by a bolder and when dad gets hurt that always means a lot of change. People come by more often, meals are provided for us, we get more responsibilities, and people change. Good change and bad change. I change. Mom changes. My siblings change. Everything changes. I'm not normal and I know it. I cope differently with change than most people, and people take it as something it's not. It's seen as rebellion, deceitfulness, being honoree, having a bad temper or being in a bad mood. I wonder if many people see me as this, having random mood changes and being two sided.
My mom is so amazing and has taken on so much. She is a caring wife and loving mother even when things get hard. She tries her hardest to keep life as normal as possible even as things change all the time. Recently I have been a problem. I have issues that I don't know how to work out really but I'm trying. There are things I'm confused about or working through. She has so much to deal with she doesn't need to add me to the mix. I can't do it all. I can't be everything people want me to be. The only way I can keep from shutting down completely it by getting away from everything... I have to be by myself just me and my music, I like the night too. I lay out on the trampoline and just zone out. I watch the stars (seen a few shooting stars too). I walk, usually just in my backyard (more of pacing I guess) the crisp cool air keeps me going and helps me think. I "sneak out and hide" apparently. But it just how I cope with things. I still can't hold it together though, I shut down anyways.
Yay look here you have it the Thornquest family, and there's the worst child Mariah. The hardest most difficult child, that we love but don't know what to do with because she is just nothing we have ever had to deal with before. That's what it would be be like if my family really knew me. Im different and I know it. I try and be normal and help out as much as I can, but I guess I'm more of a problem now than I have been before. Words are useless for me. I can't speak my mind or even have an opinion sometimes. If I said what went through my brain I wonder if my life would be any different. Who knows maybe one of these ill try...

It will be alright...

Keep your head up it will be alright.
Put your head down and keep moving it will be alright.
Push on it will be alright.
Hold still and listen it will be alright.
Just wait it will be alright.
Make a move it will be alright.
Just go for it, it will be alright.
What else can you tell me to contradict everything you've said before? Is it all a lie? You tell me how to make everything alright and tell me the exact opposite the next day. All you do is confuse me. How will I know it will be alright? Can I believe you when you hold me close and say to me "everything will be alright" or is it like every other time you've told me and changed your mind on how everything will be alright. Will I end up moving forward and just walk off a cliff? Or will I hold still and miss something? Will everything be alright? I will never know...